Stay tuned to the WCTR radio station, and you will soon be listening to the smoothing voice of Cris Formage, the founder of the Epsilon cult. Below you can read the transcript of the interview.
Lazlow: “Welcome to Entertaining America on WCTR with me, Lazlow. So, the media. You may hate us, but, I gotta tell ya’, we hate ourselves more. And stop accusing us of being liberal! What a load of crap! This station is owned by AmmuNation! I mean, have you ever heard anyone complain about guns on this station? Hosts are getting shot by them all the time, but it just gets glossed over. But it also means I now have a job. If you’re afraid of your mortality, and never want to die, here’s the solution. It’s a man who’s got all of America talking with his unique approach to spiritual matters. He’s helped thousands, or so the press pack tells me. Cris Formage, founder of the Epsilon Program is here, hello Cris!”
Cris: “Kifflom, brother-brother.”
Lazlow: “Heh heh, what does that mean, man? So, Epsilonism? Is it a load of crap, or is it the future?”
Cris: “Well, what do you think Lazlow?”
Lazlow: “I don’t know. Well, I mean, I grow my own religion, which is why I don’t know, ’cause I’m kinda spaced out. I mean, you guys run around chanting ‘lip balm’ “
Cris: “It’s ‘Kifflom.”
Lazlow: “Well, whatever. Both sound addictive to me. You know, only popular people are addicted to either. Lets go to the phone.”
Caller: “Hey, Cris, Epsilon sounds awesome! But if you read the fossil record, hunter-gatherer dudes had it made. I mean who wouldn’t want to drag their women around by their hair? They smoked anything they could find! That’s like so freaking cool! Then all the men would like disappear for days at a time, and you’d only hear beasts shrieking in the distance.”
Laslow: “You know, I went to a museum once. That guy’s got a point.”
Cris: “Points are irrelevant, Lazlow. Let me ask you something. Do you want to be happy, Lazlow?”
Laslow: “What kind of question is that? Yes, obviously.”
Cris: “Then why do you mock the happiness of others?”
Laslow: “Well, I mean, this is Vinewood, we’re all supposed to be like psychotic, and dog-eat-dog, and, y’know, bang your best friend’s wife. I mean, I’m with that last guy. We all have a primitive side there, Cris. I mean, you should have heard the music I used to like in the eighties, it was real – it was hysterical…”
Cris: “What’s hysterical about being descended from a sponge, and not knowing it?”
Cris: “What’s funny about being told that the world is millions of years old when in fact it’s only a hundred and fifty-seven years old – fact! – and it’s age does not change?”
Lazlow: “There’s nothing funny about that. It’s just…weird. You know, that voice of yours man, holy shit! I could believe anything you say!”
Cris: “My time has come Lazlow, and so has yours, if! If you let it.”
Lazlow: “Um, well, you know what, that sounds good to me… Hey, wait! Are you gonna try to sign me up for the military? That happened once before. I mean, I’m into killing people, and I can say, ‘I’ll cry when I’m done killing!’ and then there’s hope -“
Cris: “Listen my friend, you can mock, but I know the truth about you. I can see past your jokes and into that scared little boy beneath. You, you my friend, like a lot of other people, are being lied to.”
Lazlow: “I totally agree with you, finally. Inversion therapy! I owe my Mom a huge apology, ugh!”
Cris: “Listen, pick a new set of lies! Mine are better. Let me ask you something. When did you last get laid, Lazlow?”
Lazlow: “Heh… Speaking of lies… Wait, look, I’m not an egg.”
Cris: “I got laid this morning. By twins.”
Cris: “They each laid an egg, and I formed out of them.”
Lazlow: “What are you talking about? Great, a horny cult leader with a breakfast fixation. I love it! You know, I’m thinking of a cult centered around grits. Oh wait, sorry, there already is one, and it’s called, ‘The South…'”
Cris: “For the last time, this is not a cult, Lazlow. It’s a fellowship of like-minded adults who tithe money in exchange for salvation and merit badges. Every single thing we do is voluntary, including the swinging, and making things up.”
Lazlow: “Why is this whole town obsessed with swinging? *sigh* Let’s go to the phones.”
Caller: “Hey, Lazlow, love the show man. Hey, I really love to make out with hot chicks in church.”
Cris: “Perfect. Join us. We’ve put a price on salvation, and it’s a price worth paying, believe me. Look, if you crave sexual conquest, family betrayal, class warfare, and really feeling like you are a part of something, then just do it. Just do it, it’s so easy! Join the Epsilon group.”
Lazlow: “Uh…Cris, stop trying to recruit people. I mean, you even say you just make this stuff up.”
Darius: “Hi, L-Lazlow!”
Lazlow: “Ah, Darius Fontaine! Look, I told you to leave me alone!”
Darius: “Look, look, it was an unfortunate incident that happened to your mother, but I was quite clear: grandmother, not mother! It’s your fault it doesn’t work.”
Lazlow: “I nearly went to prison, man! What you told me to do was illegal! In most states…”
Darius: “Whatever. Look, Cris Formage is a liar and a cheat. He made it up! It doesn’t help anyone, apart from him! The fact is, people need to face their fears! Remember, I always say that. Face your fears, don’t run away!”
Cris: “Darius Fontaine can kiss my ass.”
Darius: “Oh, you’d like that – would – would you like that?”
Cris: “I don’t think so. And I’ll tell you why. Because you are the devil. People aren’t really afraid, you know. Yet you make them kill their families – “
Darius: “Fears have to be faced! That’s what I always say! Just ask Lazlow!”
Lazlow: “Hey, don’t bring me into this ruckus, Darius, this is between you two whackos, I mean.. And you stay away from me, Darius, I’ve got a restraining order, dude.”
Cris: “Lazlow. The only way that you can really communicate with your ancestors is to pay someone like me. Try something. Touch my cane.”
Lazlow: “This whole town, man…I think you’ve seen too many movies, dude.”
Cris: “You can be happy! Listen! Join us! Be famous! Find your true self. Have a breast, nose surgery, whatever you want! Lie with nine new partners a week. It explains everything. If there are no women, make them. From sand, from garbage, out of thin air! The rich cry too, Lazlow.”
Lazlow: “Well, that’s an interesting theory, that seems like it was formerly with pharmaceuticals…but, you know, I would like to find about being rich crying, because right now, I’m poor, and crying. But, this is the west coast – I’m all into lesbians, man.”
Cris: “It’s destiny. Vinewood only lets you down. In the Epsilon program, there are no series finales. It goes on, and on, and on. We don’t abandon you.”
Lazlow: “Uh, well, we’re gonna have to abandon this show. Great, my first show and the dude nearly kills me, and now I’m being harassed by a former sociology professor and a alcoholic turned self-deifying cultist. Please. I gotta get back to the east coast. This has been Entertaining America with Lazlow, on WCTR.”
Announcer: “Culturally, this country is flat-lining. Now you know why.”
Does the dialog in this interview give out any clues to find The Epsilon Cult? Yes, these two sentences could mean something:.
He says “The only way that you can really communicate with your ancestors is to pay someone like me. Try something. Touch my cane.”
“Touch my cane” seems to be totally out of context, but is it? Why mention the cane, if it’s just an ordinary cane? A cane is one of the weapons you can find around San Andreas, so it could mean that getting hold of this is necessary to get further.
“To pay someone like me” could mean to use money in some way. But who would this “someone like me” be?
“Communicate with your ancestors” – the whole sentence could mean that you should get the cain to communicate with some ancestor. The Epsilon tenets says that “we all come from the same tree“, and “everyone is related to anyone else“, so your ancestor could pretty much be anyone (except for people with red hair), or a tree. Confusing. Epsilon is confusing – FACT!
“Lie with nine new partners a week. It explains everything.”
Could mean that something will happen if you lie with nine new partners (probably meaning prostitues) within seven days. Lot’s of players have tried, but with no result other than using up some cash.
The question is: Did Rockstar make this interview to tell the player something essential, or is it just plain fun?