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| The WCTR radio interview |
Stay tuned to the WCTR
radio station, and you will soon be listening to the smoothing
voice of Cris Formage, the founder of the Epsilon cult.
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Announcer: |
"The
most boring show, with a brand new host! Entertaining
America with Lazlow." |
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Lazlow: |
"Welcome
to Entertaining America on WCTR with me, Lazlow. So, the
media. You may hate us, but, I gotta tell ya', we hate
ourselves more. And stop accusing us of being liberal!
What a load of crap! This station is owned by AmmuNation!
I mean, have you ever heard anyone complain about guns
on this station? Hosts are getting shot by them all the
time, but it just gets glossed over. But it also means
I now have a job.
If you're afraid of your mortality, and never want to
die, here's the solution. It's a man who's got all of
America talking with his unique approach to spiritual
matters. He's helped thousands, or so the press pack tells
me. Cris Formage, founder of the Epsilon Program is here,
hello Cris!" |
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Cris: |
"Kifflom,
brother-brother." |
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Lazlow: |
"Heh heh, what does that mean, man? So, Epsilonism?
Is it a load of crap, or is it the future?" |
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Cris: |
"Well,
what do you think Lazlow?" |
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Lazlow: |
"I
don't know. Well, I mean, I grow my own religion, which
is why I don't know, 'cause I'm kinda spaced out. I mean,
you guys run around chanting 'lip balm' " |
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Cris: |
"It's
'Kifflom." |
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Lazlow: |
"Well,
whatever. Both sound addictive to me. You know, only popular
people are addicted to either. Lets go to the phone." |
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Caller: |
"Hey,
Cris, Epsilon sounds awesome! But if you read the fossil
record, hunter-gatherer dudes had it made. I mean who
wouldn't want to drag their women around by their hair?
They smoked anything they could find! That's like so freaking
cool! Then all the men would like disappear for days at
a time, and you'd only hear beasts shrieking in the distance." |
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Laslow: |
"You
know, I went to a museum once. That guy's got a point." |
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Cris: |
"Points
are irrelevant, Lazlow. Let me ask you something. Do you
want to be happy, Lazlow?" |
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Laslow: |
"What
kind of question is that? Yes, obviously." |
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Cris: |
"Then
why do you mock the happiness of others?" |
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Laslow: |
"Well,
I mean, this is Vinewood, we're all supposed to be like
psychotic, and dog-eat-dog, and, y'know, bang your best
friend's wife. I mean, I'm with that last guy. We all
have a primitive side there, Cris. I mean, you should
have heard the music I used to like in the eighties, it
was real - it was hysterical..." |
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Cris: |
"What's
hysterical about being descended from a sponge, and not
knowing it?" |
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Lazlow: |
"Huh?" |
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Cris: |
"What's
funny about being told that the world is millions of years
old when in fact it's only a hundred and fifty-seven years
old - fact! - and it's age does not change?" |
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Lazlow: |
"There's
nothing funny about that. It's just...weird. You know,
that voice of yours man, holy shit! I could believe anything
you say!" |
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Cris: |
"My time has come Lazlow, and so has yours, if! If
you let it." |
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Lazlow: |
"Um,
well, you know what, that sounds good to me... Hey, wait!
Are you gonna try to sign me up for the military? That
happened once before. I mean, I'm into killing people,
and I can say, 'I'll cry when I'm done killing!' and then
there's hope -" |
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Cris: |
"Listen
my friend, you can mock, but I know the truth about you.
I can see past your jokes and into that scared little
boy beneath. You, you my friend, like a lot of other people,
are being lied to." |
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Lazlow: |
"I
totally agree with you, finally. Inversion therapy! I
owe my Mom a huge apology, ugh!" |
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Cris: |
"Listen,
pick a new set of lies! Mine are better. Let me ask you
something. When did you last get laid, Lazlow?" |
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Lazlow: |
"Heh...
Speaking of lies... Wait, look, I'm not an egg." |
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Cris: |
"I
got laid this morning. By twins." |
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Lazlow: |
"Whoa..." |
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Cris: |
"They
each laid an egg, and I formed out of them." |
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Lazlow: |
"What
are you talking about? Great, a horny cult leader with
a breakfast fixation. I love it! You know, I'm thinking
of a cult centered around grits. Oh wait, sorry, there
already is one, and it's called, 'The South...'" |
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Cris: |
"For
the last time, this is not a cult, Lazlow. It's a fellowship
of like-minded adults who tithe money in exchange for
salvation and merit badges. Every single thing we do is
voluntary, including the swinging, and making things up." |
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Lazlow: |
"Why
is this whole town obsessed with swinging? *sigh* Let's
go to the phones." |
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Caller: |
"Hey,
Lazlow, love the show man. Hey, I really love to make
out with hot chicks in church." |
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Cris: |
"Perfect.
Join us. We've put a price on salvation, and it's a price
worth paying, believe me. Look, if you crave sexual conquest,
family betrayal, class warfare, and really feeling like
you are a part of something, then just do it. Just do
it, it's so easy! Join the Epsilon group." |
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Lazlow: |
"Uh...Cris,
stop trying to recruit people. I mean, you even say you
just make this stuff up." |
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Darius: |
"Hi,
L-Lazlow!" |
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Lazlow: |
"Ah,
Darius Fontaine! Look, I told you to leave me alone!" |
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Darius: |
"Look,
look, it was an unfortunate incident that happened to
your mother, but I was quite clear: grandmother, not mother!
It's your fault it doesn't work." |
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Lazlow: |
"I
nearly went to prison, man! What you told me to do was
illegal! In most states..." |
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Darius: |
"Whatever.
Look, Cris Formage is a liar and a cheat. He made it up!
It doesn't help anyone, apart from him! The fact is, people
need to face their fears! Remember, I always say that.
Face your fears, don't run away!" |
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Cris: |
"Darius
Fontaine can kiss my ass." |
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Darius: |
"Oh,
you'd like that - would - would you like that?" |
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Cris: |
"I
don't think so. And I'll tell you why. Because you are
the devil. People aren't really afraid, you know. Yet
you make them kill their families - " |
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Darius: |
"Fears
have to be faced! That's what I always say! Just ask Lazlow!" |
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Lazlow: |
"Hey,
don't bring me into this ruckus, Darius, this is between
you two whackos, I mean.. And you stay away from me, Darius,
I've got a restraining order, dude." |
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Cris: |
"Lazlow.
The only way that you can really communicate with your
ancestors is to pay someone like me. Try something. Touch
my cane." |
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Lazlow: |
"This
whole town, man...I think you've seen too many movies,
dude." |
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Cris: |
"You
can be happy! Listen! Join us! Be famous! Find your true
self. Have a breast, nose surgery, whatever you want!
Lie with nine new partners a week. It explains everything.
If there are no women, make them. From sand, from garbage,
out of thin air! The rich cry too, Lazlow." |
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Lazlow: |
"Well,
that's an interesting theory, that seems like it was formerly
with pharmaceuticals...but, you know, I would like to
find about being rich crying, because right now, I'm poor,
and crying. But, this is the west coast - I'm all into
lesbians, man." |
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Cris: |
"It's
destiny. Vinewood only lets you down. In the Epsilon program,
there are no series finales. It goes on, and on, and on.
We don't abandon you." |
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Lazlow: |
"Uh,
well, we're gonna have to abandon this show. Great, my
first show and the dude nearly kills me, and now I'm being
harassed by a former sociology professor and a alcoholic
turned self-deifying cultist. Please. I gotta get back
to the east coast. This has been Entertaining America
with Lazlow, on WCTR." |
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Announcer: |
"Culturally,
this country is flat-lining. Now you know why." |
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Does the dialog in this interview
give out any clues to find The Epsilon Cult? Yes, these two
sentences could mean something:.
He says "The only way that you can really communicate
with your ancestors is to pay someone like me. Try something.
Touch my cane."
"Touch my cane"
seems to be totally out of context, but is it? Why mention the
cane, if it's just an ordinary cane? A cane is one of the weapons
you can find around San Andres, so it could mean that getting
hold of this is necessary to get further.
"To
pay someone like me" could mean to use money in some
way. But who would this "someone like me"
be?
"Communicate with your ancestors" - the
whole sentence could mean that you should get the cain to communicate
with some ancestor. The Epsilon tenets says that "we
all come from the same tree", and "everyne
is related to anyone else", so your ancestor could
pretty much be anyone (except for people with red hair), or
a tree. Confusing. Epsilon is confusing - FACT!
"Lie with nine new partners a week. It explains
everything."
Could mean that something will happen if you lie with nine new
partners (probably meaning prostitues) within seven days..
The question is: Did Rockstar make this interview to tell the
player something essential, or is it just plain fun?
"Grand
Theft Auto San Andreas" is a computer game
you can play on PC, Playstation 2, Playstation 3 and Xbox.
This site is ment for experienced players,
who have finished all missions,
and are ready to explore the secrets of the game.
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